The night is not my friend...

I should really learn to sleep at a decent hour. This whole staying up late business is messing with my well-being; physically, mentally, emotionally, and any other -ally's there are. The night makes me sad and lonely and then I start thinking ridiculous thoughts (no, not suicidal) and it's just like "WTF, where did this come from?!" Being on break gives me a lot of time to think, not always a good thing. I should use this time productively and maybe try to figure out where my life is going and if I like it. So far the conclusion is no. I'm getting so worried about my future/career/major, whatever. What am I going to do?! It's not like there's a dire need for another EMAC/Management major. Maybe my parents are right and I should do something more practical, like accounting or engineering. I mean I go to RPI yet I'm not doing anything technical or sciencey. Maybe I should transfer, it's really tempting but I don't want to leave at the same time. And then there's my personal life. It's getting better, I guess. I've figured some things out, which should be good or even great but it just makes me more sad. I have commitment issues. Though I've been told that I just haven't "found the right guy yet," it's more than that. I just get so...scared? nervous?...when it comes to relationships. I never feel really close to people, or completely open up, which is just crazy because I have great friends that I absolutely love and adore. But I guess it's just the way I'm wired, or how I was brought up and dealt with things in the past. I'm pretty good at hiding. I don't think I could handle having other people try to wrap their head around and deal with all my problems and instability. It's just not something I would wish upon others. It's really a wonder that I haven't had a breakdown yet, well at least not a big one. I can't expect anyone else to like me until I learn to like myself. Another point on my "Why I Suck At Relationships" list. I really think I'm mental. I don't know why I'm saying all this and I know that I should stop writing and sleep, but I can't. I can't wait to get back to school so I don't have to deal with all the craziness at home and my mother's erratic behavior. I'm not sure if I can handle a month of this. Okay I'm legit going to stop rambling and get off the computer before anymore stupidity comes out. Yes, okay, good, awesome. Bye.


Hi, I have problems. Kbye.


you wear your heart on your sleeve
i threw mine to the sky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHipk64P8SM

A Collection, A Look Inside

Bubbles

Bubbles, you sad fish

No open water for you

This bowl is your home

Swimming contently

Everyday around and round

In your tiny bowl

You have found a friend

In that surfing ladybug

You’re not lonely now

You seem sad lately

Never happy to see me

Hiding in the back

Your vibrant color

Has been fading from your scales

Your energy gone

I found you floating

At the top of your fish bowl

Today after break

I miss you so much

When I see your empty bowl

Inside I’m dying

Balloons

Rolling hills, lush and green, going on for miles

Bright blue sky with plump white clouds, fluffy as marshmallows

Nothing obstructing the view except millions of colorful balloons

And when the sun hits each one, it’s like a kaleidoscope of colors and patterns

Dancing around on the ground, moving in and out of each other

They are floating in the sky but never so high as to lose sight of a single one

An Empty Room

Darkness, silence, but not completely

Light spills in the window from the hallway

Shining only as far as the darkness will let it

Green blinking light from the projector, unreliable

On and off, in and out, like breathes of air

The only sound coming from the radiator by the window

Past that, the outside world is full of life

But inside, there is only loneliness

A Rant

I want to scream at the top of my lungs

Because you only speak in tongues

You lie through your teeth

And you always find a way to get beneath

My skin to the point of no return

You never show me any concern

Why won’t you leave me alone?!

Stop calling and texting my phone

I really want you to disappear

But I know you will always be here

Untitled

I don’t know why I feel so alone in a room full of people

I’m getting inside my own head and overanalyzing everything

I’m acting out, rebelling, going against everything I’ve ever known

I want to feel free, if only for a second

Looking around at all the faces, trying to find a familiar one

All I can see are those same faces staring blankly back at me

They’re telling me to chill out, relax, but I can’t

It would be so easy to give in, let go

I take a long drag and feel my anxiety fall away slowly

The smoke is smooth as it hits my lungs

I look up to a see a hazy swirl where the light is suppose to be

I am floating above the crowd, free as a bird

All my worries lost in the mix

Then I hear your voice telling me to come back down

And I remember and reality comes rushing back

Refrigerator Poetry

your silhouette approaches in my dream

surreal to almost dazzle

electric imagination

make songs of empty beauty

why?

A Collection, A Look Inside (photos)

Bubbles (R.I.P.)

Sketch: My Soul

Mural: A Collective Effort

Photography: Vandalism

Photography: Family Togetherness

Photography: Shining Through

Photography: Reflection